you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
