I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
