i think my tv is drunk
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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