No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
