3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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