So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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