She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
