Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
