i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
