I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
