need another drink. this is the easiest way
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
