don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize