I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
