Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Michael Bay diarrhea
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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