He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
