I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize