if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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