If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
