your room smells of hookers.
And success
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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