This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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