Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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