Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
