I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i need some magic done to my vagina
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
