You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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