True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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