I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
