I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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