I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
