I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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