Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
