i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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