I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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