everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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