Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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