i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
