Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
