clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
