He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
