I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
