I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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