Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
