so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
