so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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