Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
