Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
