just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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