I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize