omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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