i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i think i scared a bird with my dick
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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