u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
