Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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