Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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