Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
