did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You took a bar mat shot.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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