you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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