I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
