I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
