i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
