I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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