the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
