I think my vagina is haunted
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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