i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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