I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
